Smarthinking’s E-structor Response Form
(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking’s OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!
*Strengths of the essay: Hi, Carolyn! My name is Allison H, and we’ll be working together today. Let’s begin! Many readers should appreciate the clear, effective way that you can explain the cause-and-effect process of flooding, as in this section: “Global warming heats water from oceans and seas. It helps the water to evaporate faster. When a big amount of water vapor is in the atmosphere, it forms storms that causes flood on land. When the temperature of the earth increases, ice from the north and south-pole would melt and it will cause the rising of the sea levels. If the seas levels rise, seas will overflow and it will cause flood on coastal areas.” By providing a step-by-step explanation of this cause-and-effect process, you help readers to easily follow, understand, and appreciate your writing. This should make them want to continue reading, so good job on that!
*Carolyn 7584729 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis: When writing a thesis for a cause-and-effect essay, Carolyn, remember that it’s useful to state your main point and purpose for discussing the causes or effects of the process or whatever you are discussing. Doing so can help readers prepare to evaluate and appreciate your entire paper more easily. For example:
Children who earn their allowance by performing chores will develop more confidence in their abilities and spend their money more wisely since they had to work for it, and this prepares them to enter the job market and be successful, so every child should have some chores and responsibilities as they grow up.
Just by reading that sentence, readers would understand that I’d explain how earning their allowance would cause children to have more confidence and to spend their money better. They’d also expect me to explain why this means that every child should have some chores to do; therefore, my thesis states both the cause and its effects clearly and declaratively for readers. Right now, your thesis isn’t as clear as it could be:
“Although floods have some advantages for example getting attention from other countries and government getting donations, in a broader perspective we can conclude that, floods cause havoc to life and property of mankind. Hence following good preventive measure to control flood is highly advocated.”
How might you strengthen your thesis, perhaps by stating why the negative effects (short-term and long-term) of flooding should cause us to use “good preventative measures”? You might try to help readers understand this point more easily by creating a stronger, more declarative thesis. You might also consider reviewing Lesson 6. Thesis Developmentin the Smarthinking handbook to help you further.
Content Development: A good way to develop your content is to make sure that everything in it works towards furthering, supporting, or explaining your thesis, Carolyn. This can help you create a more effective essay, and it can provide the information and insight that readers need to appreciate your essay more easily. For example, look at this section of your paper:
“Floods causes adverse effect to mankind and structures there effects large from short term to long term effects. The short term effects are those effects which are felt immediately, and it may include; physical damages like damage to bridges, cars, buildings, sewer systems, roadways, and even casualties like people and livestock death due to drowning.”
Since you are advocating the use of preventative measures, how might you use that point to develop this paragraph more effectively? What kinds of preventative measures could be taken to prevent bridges or other objects from being physically damaged? How might people or livestock be protected and saved from drowning if a flood occurs? Try to help readers by providing the explanation or insight that they will need to understand and appreciate your ideas and meaning. Doing so can help you to strengthen your content.
*Carolyn 7584729 has requested that you respond to the Sentence Structure: Since surface errors naturally occur when writing, it’s useful to proofread specifically for these errors. Finding and fixing them can make your writing more polished. Let’s review a comma rule that should be useful:
When joining sentences with a coordinating conjunction (and; but; or; for; nor; so; yet), a comma is also needed to show that 2 complete sentences are being connected:
Bob and Sherri cannot handle the lunch rush themselves, so they always add 3 more employees to the lunch shift at their café.
Since the conjunction “so” is connecting 2 complete sentences, namely “Bob and Sherri cannot handle the lunch rush themselves” and “they always add 3 more employees to the lunch shift at their café,” a comma is also needed to join these sentences properly. Now, Carolyn, look at this sentence of yours:
“Streams and rivers sometimes cannot handle the heavy rain so water overflows and produces flood.”
How might you use your proofreading skills to find and fix a similar error in this sentence? Doing so could make your writing more professional.
Summary of Next Steps:
· State the main point and purpose of your essay in a strong, declarative thesis.
· Provide the details and insight that readers need to understand your ideas.
· Proofread to find and fix surface errors.
Thanks for sharing your cause-and-effect paper about flooding, Carolyn. I hope that my comments have been useful. Good luck on your revision! ~Allison H
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You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking’s student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook or the Smarthinking ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer’s Handbook.
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